When someone asks about relationship coaching, there is a whole journey of discovery to go through before we consider starting coaching sessions. Initially this requires listening, and listening with intention and purpose. Of course the listening needs to be accompanied by the right questions at the right time.
For instance, with a couple who express a need for support in their marriage, we will take time to explore the issues and move towards understanding the root cause as well as writing down the specific problem/s that need resolved. As coaches, Wendy and I are leaning into our training in Gottman Marriage Therapy and Prepare and Enrich Marriage Support. Alongside this there is our experience in working with hundreds of couples to date as well as some of our own experiences as a couple.
The Australian Bureau of Statistics provides information that communication is the biggest single factor named in marriage breakdowns in Australia over the last ten years. Some significant challenges that the Bureau’s info also illuminates is that living together before getting married seems to increase the likelihood of marriage breakdown. Another interesting statistic is that when women bring children into a second/third relationship, this relationship also has a higher likelihood of breakdown. This is simply information that is presented by the information that is given by couples and makes its way into the Bureau’s records. It is not Wendy and Allan’s opinion.
So with all that said, what do we consider when trying to support marriages that are in distress?
Working on communication is often a major focus as we look to help a couple rebuild their fondness and admiration for one another. Remembering what attracted them to each other in the first place, first dates, and the journey to marriage. Exploring what “date night” could or should look like is often in the early conversations.
Wendy and I commit to listening well to each partner, sometimes we will each meet with one partner separately as a way of unpacking things that they may initially find difficult to talk about together. We will unpack “flooding” and what impact this has on relationships as well as reviewing the four horsemen – “criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling”.
On the journey with each couple, Wendy and I will aim to model what good listening looks like, and to encourage both of partners to start to really listen to each other.
Listening starts to provide understanding, which is the platform for healthy conflict, which leads to conflict resolution, and then a commitment to each other. We are never the problem, the problem is the problem, and it’s always “us against the problem”.
Blessings
Allan